Spend some part of a Durga Puja in Kolkata? Check!

All right, so I can cross that off my list. It’s just bigger, noisier and with the right kind of people around, funner.

My mother has gone crazy. For the first time in twenty years, she has decided to display a Golu. And she has done so. And she has started buying dolls with a vengeance. Today she went and bought a pair of the most creepy-ass dolls ever imagined by a doll-maker tripping on acid and pissed off with life.

Let me give you a word picture(I’ll put up a real picture later).

The dolls are a big ol’ turbaned, mustachioed North Indian and his grinning, made up, fat-ass wife. The wife has a grin which would scare the shit out of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.^# To add to the horror, Their heads are mounted on a coiled piece of metal so that they fucking loll about as if The Headless Horseman was having a bad day

Yes, Interesting times we live in.

Also, Would you agree that the most frustrating thing possible is when you reach the counter and it closes for lunch? (Yes/No)

Speaking of which, Women should not be allowed to man counters selling bus tickets. When you are standing in a line waiting to catch a bus quickly, you do not want to listen to a bunch of women exclaiming “Oma! Ki Shundor!” and forgetting that they’re supposed to be handing people bus tickets!. You won’t catch men doing that. They may be just lazy, inefficient and corrupt but at least they won’t forget about doing their job. They will willfully ignore it. That’s different.

^# Also check out the picture in the wiki article on Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. If that’s not gay…

Stop That!

I’m sure everyone remembers this song. If you don’t… Well, then you’re one of those people born after this song went out of fashion(Which would be around 2000 CE)

It was released in 1995 so it had a good run.

I remember Devang Patel ahd a lot of other funny stuff.

I couldn’t find the lyrics online so I sat down and took them down

Stop That….

Maen Apne sar pe haath rakhke kasam khata hoon ki maen jo kuch bhi kahunga sach kahonga aur sach ke siva aur kuch bhi nahin kahoonga

lekin maen jabhi kisi se kuch kehene jaata hoon to woh log mujhe bol deten hain…

Stop That!

Meri batein sun kar dekho hasna nahin
Usse jhoot maan kar kahin phasna nahin
Maen sab sach kehata hoon, Aap ki kasam
Maene piya nahin whiskey, beer ya rum

Madhuri Dixit mili raste mein
Khaye chane humne sazte mein
Usne kaha tere sang shaadi rachaoon
Ghar tere aake mein parathe pakoon

Madhuri ko kaha maene, Ghar na aana
Sridevi ko bol diya, Na baba na

Chahe Dahej mein de mujhe
sone ki car
Ya aake koi dede mujhe
heeron ka haar

par shaadi ke liye
maen to kaccha hoon
Abhi sau saal ka
Chotta baccha hoon

Mere daddu, pehen diaper
chasme pur unke Wiper
Daddy ki, tooti haddi
Jab khele woh kabbadi

Maene Everest pe football khela hae
Maene haathon se train ko dhakela haen
kushtand Daara Singh mera chela haen
Mere ghodon ka Chaand pe tabela haen

—Interlude—

Dhirubai Ambanai leke aaye Cycle
Chaye peegaye toh dena para mujhe bill
Harshad Mehta mila mujhe Mandir ke dwaar
Paanch rupaye maange usne mujhse udhaar

Blank Cheque deke maene Sign kar di
Harshad ne usme se suit case kharidi

Ab Income pe koi tax nahin hoga
aur Sau ke note pe mera photo hoga

Rishwat compulsory karne bara abhiyaye hoga
Sab Mantriyon ka dress chaddi baniyan hoga

Neta Jo chunav haara
Sar mundwa lega saara
Jo dega jhoote bhashan
na milega use rashun (*ration)

gharwaali milegi sabko goongi
Suleft(?) pehanenge ab sirf lungi
Doctor mufat mein operation karenge
Sarkari karmachari ab kaam karenge

—Interlude—

Andhe ne kaha chalo film dekhe
Langda bola nahin aaja football sikhe
ganja puche kahan gaya mera kangha
Duri(?) ne mara mukka to hua danga

Supari khake buddha mare pichkari
Sale(?) maene dekha use ek aankh maari

Goonga bina sur taal gaane laga gaan
suna behere ne band kiye apne kaan

Kabhi ekting(?) ped se giraye nariyal
ab se zyada bache walon ko to ho jayegi jail

Pagal bhi chess khele
Cirket khelega Pele
Ms. India rakkhe Daaddi
Rambo pehenega Saari

Big(?) hone par sabke height kategi
Shuddh hawa pe sarkar tax rakhegi
sikke boune se paison ki bel kheligi
Cycle ke liye permit milegi

—-Interlude———–

Aa raha hain mera ek picture nayan
Bachchan hai villian aur heroine jaya
Superstar(?) ne jab mujhe sign kiya
Saath baithe hum donon ne wine piya

Jackie Chan ko sikhayi maene fight action
Mere gaanon ko churaye Michael Jackson

Actor nahin Maen Cricketer bhi hoon
Maen to Kapil se badhiya hard-hitter bhi hoon
Tabhi ghabrakar Kambli naen shout kiya
Jab Sachin ko maene bowled out kiya

Maen aur Ratan Tata
Jab lene gaye atta
Chakki pe baithe Tyson
Sabko bech raha tha Besan

Russia ne mujhe drink cold diya tha
Jab Olympic ke daud mein maene Gold liya tha
St.Jopice(?) ne jab mera hath dekha tha
naun hathon ko hi mere jaisa aisa kaha tha

Meri batein sun kar dekho hasna nahin
Usse jhoot maan kar kahin phasna nahin
Maen sab sach kehata hoon, Aap ki kasam
Maene piya nahin whiskey, beer ya rum

Stop That…

My aim is to memorize this song.

I’ll post later about this song and Devang Patel

Maybe we should analyse this song. It would be a lot of fun.

Do YOU know about Jink?

This happened about three months back, when I used to get up in the morning and go for basketball. I still get up in the morning, however I haven’t played basketball in a long time. Anyway back to the show…

Now when I said I get up in the morning and go for basketball, you might have got an image of me leaping out of bed, rushing through my morning activities, putting on expensive sports gear and dashing out the door. Perish the thought. I would drag myself out of bed, sleepily brush my teeth, wear whatever t-shirt I was wearing the day before, pull on a pair of socks, wear my shoes and trudge to the University.

That day I went through the same routine. I got there at around 6:45 AM. Everything clear so far? It’s 6:45 AM. I’m wearing shorts and a Tee. My hair’s uncombed. It’s 6:45 AM. I’m wearing shoes and socks. All right, let’s move on…

Rukmini and Priyanka turned up sometime later. We started cursing the Mancha for being late. He had the basketball so we couldn’t even start playing. So we were sitting under a tree, waiting for him.

Many people come to Jadavpur University for their morning walk. They consist mainly of Old people, Middle-aged people and young lunatics. These people will walk around campus four or five times. The Old people will sit down and start chatting, the middle-aged people will head off to work, the young lunatics… I don’t know what they do but I assume they go off and indulge in nefarious activities.

Anyway, Around 7:20 AM I’m waiting near the field, when this old gentleman barmy old codger walks up to me. I’m thinking “Oh, here’s an old man coming to ask for directions”.

Here I must digress. It seems to me that I get asked for directions a bit too much. I don’t know if I’m imagining things. probably I am. I also seem to get asked the time of the day a bit too much. I wonder why.

So where were we? Ah yes, The old guy is walking up to me. So he walks up, looks at me and then asks…

Excuse me, Could you tell me where I might find someone who could tell me about Jink

.

If you’re thinking I was startled, you’re right. I was. It’s 7:20 in the morning. I’m very sleepy. And here’s some old dude asking us about Zinc! I wonder why he chose us.

We politely replied that perhaps the Metallurgy Department could answer whatever queries he had about Zinc. This old man then went on to explain why he wanted to know about Zinc. Among other things, it was his opinion that there was tremendous potential for Zinc in India. “There is only one Jink plant in India” he said, “and there is great market for Jink.”

So far he hasn’t made any sense. I don’t know why he was talking about Zinc. And I don’t know why he chose us to expound on his views about Zinc. I am fairly confident none of us had a sign saying We Love Zinc or Zinc or Zwim. And yet, he insisted on talking about Zinc.

By this time Sandy had arrived, and he had no clue what was going on. He stood behind the old man and kept making weird gestures. And I had to try very hard not to laugh.

Finally the old man left after having freaked us out completely. And then we spent the rest of the day talking about Jink-Man.

And Jink-Banana-Man. But that’s another story for another day.

And remember, there is great potential for Jink in India.

Google Trends to pass the time…

Results for Search Term “Pornography” in India

Results for Search Term “Porn” in India

The following things can be interpreted from these two graphs.

• Indians in 2004 had a better vocabulary than in 2009.
• Calcuttans have a better vocabulary than Delhiites, Mumbaiites and Bhopalites
• More and more people are favoring the word “Porn” instead of “Pornography”
• I’m am extremely bored

These are the inferences that I draw from this data.

I can say that The iron has entered my sole.

I went and got a haircut today. I went in the evening. After putting it off for months… I feel strange.

The barber…I mean hairdresser umm… follicle engineer(?) asked me if my head didn’t feel heavy. I said no,no, no. Well actually I just gave him a glance, which he missed. Damn!

I was walking back when I felt a sharp pain in my foot. I looked down to find a nail had entered my foot. Let me tell you, it doesn’t pain while it’s in there but try taking it out and it biteth like a serpent and stingeth like an adder. This bhadro, bangali budho stopped to ask me what was wrong with my foot. I told him a nail had entered my foot. Guess what he did?

He said “oh” with a blank expression and walked off. Strange. I came home, took out the nail and went and got a tetvac.

I wonder if Jesus took a tetvac after he was resurrected. But then again, 24 hours had elapsed. Also he was already dead.

I am now holy… in two places.

The hole truth.

I will be thinking about hole and puncture jokes all night.

Additions to my room.

My room has undergone some changes. There is now a Shakespeare International Conference poster stuck to a wall.

The conference’s official name was Staged Encounters : History, Society, Identity and Shakespeare. I have a poster of it because I volunteered to help with the Conference and then whacked a poster. It looks quite nice. The Conference was also a lot of fun. Sukantada’s paper was brilliant. Supriyadi’s paper was also brilliant. There were other very nice papers. Swapanda’s paper was also brilliant I’m told. I missed it however.

The University Guest House makes awful Chinese (or is it chinis) food. They should be shot for preparing such atrocious Chinese food.

Milonda’s Seminar Brew a.k.a. Chaffee was better than usual. Chaffee is this strange concoction that Milonda provides. It does not matter whether you asked him to provide tea or coffee. He will provide chaffee. It is a strange mix of Milonda’s cha ( Itself a hideous, foul excrement) , very bad Coffee and bits of whatever Milonda was serving before he started making your supply of Seminar Brew. We got cha, coffee and chicken kebab.

The University Guest House provides Coffee or Tea. Their coffee(or tea) is however sometimes contaminated with soup. We once got Tomato soup flavoured coffee and Onion flavoured tea. Their Coffee( and Tea) is worse than Milonda’s.

The only place that serves good tea on Campus is the Hostel Canteen( a.k.a. Sujitda’s). The canteen is damn cheap, and fairly good. It’s not great but it’s not bad.

You cannot get good coffee on campus.

Moving on…

An electricity meter now graces my wall. Yes, you read right, An electricity meter. You know, those things that are kept by the electricity company inside your house so that they know how much to charge you.

I did not have to break open the meter box or commit some illegal act to obtain this meter. DPL replaced all the analog meters in everybody’s house with brand new digital meters. I presume their logic is that Digital meters are more difficult to tamper with. Anyway, the old meter was left lying around, so I whacked it and hung it from a nail. It looks damn cool, I must say.

My room is looking strangely nice.

They have a point.

I was reading the Conservapedia articles on stuff like Atheism, God, Jesus Christ,Examples of Bias in Wikipedia and The Theory of Evolution.

Mainly it’s what you’d expect from an Americentric socially conservative and Conservative Christian point of view. Their theories are full of shit. They only show studies which support their view. And of course, lots of self-righteous judgement.To quote an article

The is considerable amount of scientific evidence that suggest that theism is more conducive to mental and physical health than atheism.

It’s actually a lot of crap. Read the articles if you want to laugh.

Although what’s scary is that unlike Uncyclopedia, which is pure satire, these people are serious about what they write. They actually believe in all of this. I don’t really have a problem with that, since that’s their belief system. But it’s sad how they refuse to accept other points-of-view. Can’t see much progress if everybody remains so close-minded.

Also some of their articles state theories that are well, not proven. In their article on abortion they state that

The vast majority of scientific studies have shown that abortion causes an increase in breast cancer, including 16 out of 17 statistically significant studies. Studies showing that abortion increases breast cancer predate the political controversy.It is undisputed that childbirth protects against breast cancer, and thus early termination of pregnancy must increase the risk of cancer for the mother compared to carrying that same pregnancy to birth. Yet the abortion industry conceals this increased risk, just as the tobacco industry concealed its cancer risk for decades.

I wonder how they decided how statistically significant a study was. Also I wonder if they took other factors into account. In the article I couldn’t find anything that said so.

And the article on Gender Differences states that

Gender differences between men and women have been known since antiquity. Man are more masculine (manly), and women are more feminine. Not only are their physical bodies different, but there are significant character differences as well. This makes sense, because God made men and women “in his image” (Genesis 1:27) so as to reflect his divine nature. (Romans 1:20)

.

Oh and did you know that Homosexual have an agenda? Yes, according to this article they did.

I don’t have anything against the site. After all, no one’s forcing me to read anything on it. In fact there’s nothing wrong with it.

Yet, it just doesn’t feel right. Reading it makes no sense. Trying to understand why anyone would write anything that only states a biased point of view is hard. This is especially ironic since it was formed because they claimed Wikipedia was biased.

Oh well. There’s always Uncyclopedia.

They tried to make me go to Jihad…

But I said no, no, no.

Fucking brilliant YouTube Video.

They tried to make me go to Jihad
I said, no, no, no
They said here’s your back pack
I gave it right back
Said, whoa, whoa, whoa

Allah says it’s time
But I am young and in my prime

They tried to make me go to Jihad
I said, no, no, no

Id like to live to reach old age
I guess those virgin girls can wait
And Osama…
Osama’s been trying to reach me
He called twice last week
And three times yesterday

I didn’t show up for car bomb class
Because I was in my cave
Downloading Lindsay Lohan’s ass

They tried to make me go to Jihad
I said, no, no, no
I’d make a huge mess
With this dynamite vest
So, no, no, no

I might miss my mom
And I’m not a human bomb
They tried to make me go to Jihad
I won’t go, go, go

Presenting….

The one and only…

JESUS®

Teaches,Preaches and Heals

The Bible® is the story of a remarkable marketing success. It tells the story of a product that has become one of the greatest products in the history of mankind. That product was of course… Jesus®. The Bible does not deal with merely the launch and life of the product. It also relates the creation of the target market, how the product came to be necessary, the creation of regulatory bodies before the product was conceived, the prediction that such a product would be required and the conceiving of the product itself. The story also talks about the after-effects of the product, and how the world was changed because of it. This article will also examine the consequences of the product after the events of The Bible®

The product did not enjoy mainstream commercial success at launch, although it did have a cult following. Jesus® was accused by the regulatory bodies of not meeting the required standards. But the manufactures used their connections in the higher echelons of power to publish astounding effects of the Jesus® product. These effects were publicized under the name Miracle™.

Jesus® was a multi-tasking product. It could dispense advice, proverbs, quotes from the Old Testament® and could also heal people(using afore-mentioned Miracle™). Jesus® soon had twelve sub-products, collectively called The Twelve Apostles®. These sub-products were not as powerful as Jesus®.

The regulatory authority tried to stop the product from becoming too popular by making it undergo a decommissioning process known as Crucifixion™. This process, while normally effective, however failed to work. The top brass, decided to recall the product. This act was unprecedented, resulting in a massive popularity surge for the product. This increased demand led to the creation of a liaison body called The Church®.

The Church® was a hit with the cult. They managed to get permission to set up branches everywhere. Their marketing method were ingenious. The Church® soon amassed massive profits

To Be Continued

————————————————————————————————

This is a Work-In-Progress. If you’re offended, then do drop a line. I’m alway interested in meeting people without a sense of humour. I plan to flesh this out properly. I’m going to make this really big. I’ll have to read the Bible a lot more. I’m gonna include parables and miracles and also predictions from the OT and stuff. Watch this space.

————————————————————————————————

This arose after I saw a heading while reading The Today’s English Version of The Holy Bible. The heading was with reference to Matthew 4.23-4.25. The Heading was Jesus teaches,preaches and heals. It reminded very much of those spoof product titles that I just had to write this. If you can do a better job, please go ahead. Only, please do mention me.

Cheers
————————————————————————————————

Presenting… by Neelakantan K.K. is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 2.5 India License.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at The Life and Times of Neelakantan.

It just struck me…

The classical Latin for “Good” is Bonus and for “Bad” is Malus. So that could be the basis for a pun.

Q) What would you call a bunch of extra Malayalees?

A) Bonus Mallus.

This would be funny only if a person knew that Malus is the classical Latin for “Bad” and that Bonus is also used to refer to stuff that you got for free or that you got as an extra . And if so, are those romans saying Mallus sunt malus?

Also, the Pun is technically called Paranomasia. That actually sounds like some sort of disease. I think my entire batch suffers from Paranomasia.